Understanding grief

Understanding grief

Some normal reactions to an abnormal event 

In the weeks and months after a road trauma death, you may experience some reactions to this traumatic event.  Considering what has happened to you, these reactions are normal, healthy and understandable.  Although painful, these reactions are a part of the healing process, so acknowledging and talking about them is important.  The reactions listed in this section are all common, and you may experience many or few of them. 

When a friend or relative dies suddenly, violently and prematurely, you can experience a number of reactions.  Everyone is different of course, and these reactions vary considerably depending on how close you were, how often you saw them and numerous other factors.  Most people however do experience some similar reactions and these are described below. 

Disbelief and shock 

Firstly there is a strong sense of disbelief “This can’t be true, there must be some sort of mistake”  

The truth is so bad that it seems almost unbelievable.  A sense of shock sometimes follows.  You think that you should feel something but nothing seems to be happening.  It’s almost like your feelings have shut down.  This shock can come and go and the length of time varies from person to person. 

Sorrow and grief

After you recover from the initial shock, a deep sense of sadness often sets in.  It engulfs you like a fog and it is hard to see through the pain.  At this time you may get very teary and cry often.  It is very important to remember that tears are very healing, they actually contain chemicals which when released and are allowed to flow actually reduce the stress and pain.  It is no wonder that people often say they feel better after a good cry. 

At this time you may also move between feeling numb, getting very upset and feeling extreme anger.  The only way known to release the pain is to talk about what has happened and your experience of the loss and the subsequent pain.  There is very little benefit in maintaining a “stiff upper lip”.  A wise person once said “Don’t you think they are worth every tear you shed?” 

Anger and vengeance 

“I’ll get him and he’ll be sorry” 

Anger is a very understandable reaction when your friend or relative has been killed by the careless or dangerous driving of another road user.  A deep longing for justice can become your total focus.  

You have a deep sense of anger towards the people who have committed such an awful act.  It is very important to release this anger appropriately.  Don’t bottle the anger inside.  This can cause long term health problems and jeopardise relationships.  When the anger is suppressed it can resurface in another way at another time.  It could emerge during a conversation with a partner or friend.  This can be very damaging to a relationship.  Find someone to talk with about your anger.  

Regular exercise may help.  This can address the build up of adrenalin and release endorphins that play an important part in regulating your mood.  Doing this at least three times a week, will help reduce the stress levels and will help you relax and calm your mind. 

Physical reactions 

Fatigue - feeling exhausted or generally tired and unwell. 

Sleep problems such as - insomnia, disturbed sleep or nightmares. 

Underactivity or lethargy - “can’t be bothered.” 

Hyperactivity or feeling unable to stop and relax. 

Health problems - such as frequent colds, headaches, general aches and pains, digestive problems. 

Loss of appetite or conversely comfort eating. 

Exaggerated startle reactions - such as sensitivity to sudden noises or movements. 

Difficulty with concentration. 

Flashbacks to the scene of the incident. 

Difficulty problem-solving. 

Memory disturbance - particularly short-term memory. 

Absent-mindedness and forgetfulness. 

Difficulty making decisions. 

Emotional reactions 

Inability to attach importance to anything other than the death of your loved one. 

Fear - of something specific, or more generally. 

Guilt - self-blame for some aspect of the death, thoughts of “if only”. 

Emotional numbing - inability to feel clear-cut emotions. 

Over-sensitivity - becoming upset or angry more easily than usual. 

Anger - with the offender, police, another family member or self. 

 Irritability - ‘snappiness’ or short-temperedness. 

Frustration - feeling overwhelmed by practicalities. 

Thoughts of revenge. 

Anxiety - worries about the future. 

Depression - extreme sadness, the feeling of loss. 

Feelings of helplessness - the feeling of loss of control over your life.

There are many things you can do to help alleviate some of the emotional pain associated with the traumatic experience, and it is important to talk to a counsellor or other supportive person about this.

There are some general principles that may help you through this difficult time.  Recognise that you have been through a highly stressful experience and give yourself permission to feel sad, angry or whatever you feel.  Denying these feelings may delay the recovery process.  Remember - you have lost a loved one in shocking circumstances, you have every right to feel terrible. 

Allow others to help out in particular or supportive way.  Most people will want to help but may not know what to do or say.  Well - meaning people may offer unhelpful or insensitive advice.  Try to understand they want to help but may need some pointing in the right direction. 

Try not to block out thoughts of the death or avoid reminders of it.  You will need to think and talk about it, perhaps many times over.  In this way, you will be able to adapt to what has happened bit by bit, and begin to heal.  Talking to someone not directly involved, such as a counsellor, can help. 

Following trauma, we are more vulnerable to accidents and illness as our concentration and immune system are impaired . It is important to take extra care when driving or doing other hazardous activities.  Try to have adequate sleep and exercise, physical activity is a good stress reliever.  Try to eat well, but if you can’t face eating much ensure you drink lots of non-alcoholic fluids and try taking multi-vitamin/mineral supplements.  Avoid excess use of stimulants such as cigarettes, coffee and sugar, as these will only add to emotional arousal. 

Conversely, try to avoid depressants such as alcohol or sleeping tablets, as these are harmful to the body and of course, do not help the grieving process.  However, seek medical advice when taking medication. 

These reactions and grief are not a sign of weakness or poor coping skills.  It’s a normal part of the healing process.  It might seem unbelievable now, but most people learn to readjust to their life, you can do this too.  This doesn’t mean that your grief will be “cured” or that you should forget your loved one.  Even in years to come, there will be occasions when you will still feel very sad.  Memories sparked by birthdays, anniversaries, photos or even a song can bring you down.  Life will be different but that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate it again. 

The most important thing to remember is that what you are feeling now is absolutely normal - you are not going crazy.  If you are worried about your reactions or feelings, please call us any time.